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Booking 1. Book? There’s always a spot! Just rock up 2. Apparently but good luck with them finding your booking. They have a beaten-up A4 diary and with eight different people writing in and crossing out – how could that possibly go wrong?? 3. Easy peasy! Phone or online 4. Forced to choose a ‘sitting’ like 5.30pm or 9.30pm or worse line up only with a “We’ll call you when there’s a table” but if you don’t answer by the second ring - “No table for you!!” 5. Must provide credit card details and/or a small child as down payment
Ambiance 1. A mosh pit with tables so packed in there were no secret conversations 2. DOOF DOOF... WHAT did you say??? Way too noisy - but at least I couldn’t hear the domestic troubles at the next table 3. Comfortable and relaxed 4. Way too cool - and not in a groovy hipster way more in a cold sterile way 5. Supremely formal and deathly quiet. I was actually a little bit scared. Apparently I shouldn’t be there (or something)
Décor 1. Sticky tables; sticky carpet circa 1983 2. Nothing to write home about but comfortable and laminexy 3. I’m stealing interior decorating tips for home! 4. So dark and moody I had to feel my way to the table 5. Downright intimidating “Toto I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Staff 1. Rushed off their feet almost throwing food at diners– barely acceptable 2. So busy chatting with each other they forgot about us ☹ 3. Bang-on friendly and appropriate – if I had a business. I’d offer them a job! 4. So intrusive I thought they were going to pull up a chair – did they not see I’d brought my own friend/s? 5. Superior and so caught up in their own importance as “an authentic storyteller”. I wanted to compare salaries just to put them back in their box.
Bathroom 1. Filthy and if you use a wheelchair you’ll need a 10-point turn to get in 2. Cold as charity and a real come-down from the restaurant. I’d have held on if I’d known 3. Clean and fresh with plenty of everything you need 4. Very plush! Fancy everything. 5. So over the top amazing (great view - a couch - TV) – I was tempted to ask the wait staff to bring my meal in
Menu 1. A “specials” board 2. Pages long but I still struggled to find something I felt like 3. Something for everyone (vegos - vegans - meat-lovers) and flexible for special requests and alterations 4. Interesting - in a good way! And a ‘Feed Me’ option 5. So elaborate and overwritten each item was a paragraph – Kyoto red carrots foraged to make a curated plate with a piperade…What le F$%^&???
Food 1. The modus operandi of this joint is “Quantity over Quality” 2. Patchy. Over-promised and under delivered 3. Delicious it was as we ordered! In the words of the Terminator - “I’ll be back!” 4. What food? I had to get the Uber to pull over for a burger on the way home 5. Seriously someone needs to tell these people that a single potato or three cherry tomatoes are NOT a course – even if they are hand-plucked from the west side of a Tasmanian mountainous wilderness… and that they ‘sparkle with childhood memories’
Beverages 1. Perfect for an AA meeting or lush friends – no licence 2. BYO and PYO (Bring Your Own and Pour Your Own – in cheap glasses) 3. A good range from the affordable to the “Heck! We’re out – why not?” 4. Extravagant cocktails and NO CHARDONNAY!! Dahhhling… please! 5. Wine roulette – all foreign unknown and eye-wateringly expensive
Price 1. Student-friendly – heavy on the cheap light on the cheerful 2. Value for money 3. A bit exy but I enjoyed it a lot so not complaining 4. Insulting (to me not them!) 5. O…M….G! I’ll need to review my mortgage
At the end… 1. I paid on the way out 2. They returned my coat (or a better one!) 3. Staff noticed us leaving and said something endearing 4. They didn’t rush us after we’d paid – and kept the water coming 5. Dropped hints that it was time to go – like cleaning around us stacking chairs on tables and turning the lights off!
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